I would have loved to post these separately but ruggie has kept my hands tied, as I am sure you remember. When you read this, you will smile cause you are the one always saying "mom, mommy, mom, mom" joking about her.
Yesterday, day 7 started early...4am. I set the alarm with the "waves" nature sound...not the greatest idea with Earl. I woke up, in the dark, and took a quick survey of the house and outside. It was eerie. The clouds above were taunting, almost saying "here I come", but the wind and the water was calm. You would never guess that less than 100 miles off the coast was the demon. But, as time passed the clouds disappeared and Earl became a quicker memory than the nightmare the day before. Funny, you spent five days dreading and ten seconds realizing that it is not going to be as bad as expected. When ruggie arrived, we traveled to fort monroe and spent HOURS watching the surf. It was the best time I have had since you left.
Day 8...we started off the weekend morning in the same habitual routine as normal...chocolate pancakes (fill in the rest cause I know you can). I ventured to make the apple cobbler coffee. It was interesting, starting off sweet with apple lingering then followed by a butter pecan punch. I don't think I will buy it again, but everything is worth a try, right?
After that we ventured once again to the beach on fort monroe. We stopped at the actual beach by the pool....you could tell that a storm had existed in the ocean. There had to be thousands if not millions of shells and atleast ten horseshoe crab shells. Their fate determined by the storm that was only in my internal fears. We ended the day, wrapping up with a campfire and smores at Heather and Steves. We had fun, it was fun but I am happy to be home, ready for the comfort of bed.
The ruggie is already asleep, fast, snoring in the spot where you normally lie. Oh, how I miss you.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Day 6
I wanted to write down my thoughts tonight before heading to bed since Hurricane Earl is looming on the horizon.
We actually got to "talk" tonight, be it by email, but it was still wonderful to type in some short lines, hit send, wait three minutes and have your name in my inbox. I miss talking. All the days, nights, months, years that we have just talked. I think that even when our conversation is not deep and meaningful, somehow it still is because we are not hindered by the awkward silence. Did you ever notice that we never were hindered by akward silence? We could always just "talk"
I miss you so much right now. I know I will miss you the whole time you are gone, but it fluctuates throughout out the day, just like it does the months. I know tonight is hard because I want nothing more than to know that I have your shoulder to sleep on before the storm. I don't want to wake up to loud winds, rain, leaks, floods without your shoulder. I need you. But I also miss you more tonight because of all the thought into evacuation. Like I said last night, how can I take the last three years of my life and condense it down to a few papers and necessities? How unfair that anyone would ever have to make that decision?
It just makes me long for you more, and the desire to just be out of the service. We have both done our service, we have served while others sit in the luxury of their homes...never to worry (or even know the worry) of losing a loved one to war. I admire your courage, I love your strength and determination, but I am ready for us to done.
As the night here turns into day, I too hope that the oceans will calm for me as they have for you as you continue your trip further from.
Sail safe for me, return home to me.
I love you
We actually got to "talk" tonight, be it by email, but it was still wonderful to type in some short lines, hit send, wait three minutes and have your name in my inbox. I miss talking. All the days, nights, months, years that we have just talked. I think that even when our conversation is not deep and meaningful, somehow it still is because we are not hindered by the awkward silence. Did you ever notice that we never were hindered by akward silence? We could always just "talk"
I miss you so much right now. I know I will miss you the whole time you are gone, but it fluctuates throughout out the day, just like it does the months. I know tonight is hard because I want nothing more than to know that I have your shoulder to sleep on before the storm. I don't want to wake up to loud winds, rain, leaks, floods without your shoulder. I need you. But I also miss you more tonight because of all the thought into evacuation. Like I said last night, how can I take the last three years of my life and condense it down to a few papers and necessities? How unfair that anyone would ever have to make that decision?
It just makes me long for you more, and the desire to just be out of the service. We have both done our service, we have served while others sit in the luxury of their homes...never to worry (or even know the worry) of losing a loved one to war. I admire your courage, I love your strength and determination, but I am ready for us to done.
As the night here turns into day, I too hope that the oceans will calm for me as they have for you as you continue your trip further from.
Sail safe for me, return home to me.
I love you
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Day 5
Wow, has it really been five days since we held hands on the pier and said goodbye? Then again, has it really been over three years since we first started dating?
How I wish the time on deployment would fly like the times at home. Regardless, I am thankful.
Today was far from uneventful. Work, late work, no Claire. The difference this time, as has been the case for two days, is Hurricane Earl lumming in the tropics, heading straight for the coast that so many this time of year come to play on.
I guess there will be no playing for a few days, regardless of what his final path will be on the Atlantic Coast. I have to admit that my emotions are somewhere between bummed and horrified. I had hoped with the closure of summer that the rugrat and I would head to the pool one last time...almost like a teenage love affair, you know? But the realistic (and not so optimistic) side of me remembers the Nor'easter of last year and all I want to do is run far from here. Why did this have to be the week I picked duty?
The question becomes "where do we run?" Do I head north and stop in Richmond? Do I go west towards Emporia? If I didn't have duty I would run to PA...but that is another story, seems only certain female chiefs with children get to leave early, or at all for that matter.
But aside from where, how do I handle the "what?" Do I pack up the computer to save it from a storm? Do I pack papers upon papers that are in the safe? I have realized how simplistic this SHOULD be compared to how it actually IS. I want to pack pictures and documents and dinosaurs and trinkets of memories...but where does the line cross? Is there truly such a thing as making a decision about what part of your life you leave behind? I am not talking about the tv or coffee maker. I am talking about what pictures to pack, what blanket to take (for me, is it the one we first made love on or the one we have used since we moved to the house? for claire, is it the big dinosaur one that she wants to save in the attic?). And what about the computer? I am not materialistic, but there is a huge part screaming "THIS IS YOUR LIFE LINE TO HIM!" How do I ignore that? Is it materialistic? Or is it a comfort?
It is hard to compartmentalize all the details of your life into a condensed 24 hour version of "you", "us", "we".
Funny my biggest fear is when the moment comes, driving away from the storm when I realize that there is something I left that means so much. Will I turn back? Risk everything? I can't answer it any better than the weather predicter determining the path of a hurricane.
How I wish the time on deployment would fly like the times at home. Regardless, I am thankful.
Today was far from uneventful. Work, late work, no Claire. The difference this time, as has been the case for two days, is Hurricane Earl lumming in the tropics, heading straight for the coast that so many this time of year come to play on.
I guess there will be no playing for a few days, regardless of what his final path will be on the Atlantic Coast. I have to admit that my emotions are somewhere between bummed and horrified. I had hoped with the closure of summer that the rugrat and I would head to the pool one last time...almost like a teenage love affair, you know? But the realistic (and not so optimistic) side of me remembers the Nor'easter of last year and all I want to do is run far from here. Why did this have to be the week I picked duty?
The question becomes "where do we run?" Do I head north and stop in Richmond? Do I go west towards Emporia? If I didn't have duty I would run to PA...but that is another story, seems only certain female chiefs with children get to leave early, or at all for that matter.
But aside from where, how do I handle the "what?" Do I pack up the computer to save it from a storm? Do I pack papers upon papers that are in the safe? I have realized how simplistic this SHOULD be compared to how it actually IS. I want to pack pictures and documents and dinosaurs and trinkets of memories...but where does the line cross? Is there truly such a thing as making a decision about what part of your life you leave behind? I am not talking about the tv or coffee maker. I am talking about what pictures to pack, what blanket to take (for me, is it the one we first made love on or the one we have used since we moved to the house? for claire, is it the big dinosaur one that she wants to save in the attic?). And what about the computer? I am not materialistic, but there is a huge part screaming "THIS IS YOUR LIFE LINE TO HIM!" How do I ignore that? Is it materialistic? Or is it a comfort?
It is hard to compartmentalize all the details of your life into a condensed 24 hour version of "you", "us", "we".
Funny my biggest fear is when the moment comes, driving away from the storm when I realize that there is something I left that means so much. Will I turn back? Risk everything? I can't answer it any better than the weather predicter determining the path of a hurricane.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Day 4
So, I realized this morning in my rush to go to bed that I forgot to blog about yesterday, so I started my morning with my daily message. I may have to make it a morning ritual vice evening, but then that would require me to get up early.
Speaking of rising. The alarm is slowly breaking my heart. Each night, I curl into bed and have torrid dreams of us together...nothing daunting or overly exciting...but they are dreams like we really live. Dreams where we hang out together on the couch and chat while tv plays in the background, or in the car holding hands...and then the alarm sounds with your voice and for the slightest second, I can feel your arms around me, whispering in my ear..."good morning baby, its time to get up." Then I hear the silence before it plays again and the feeling of your arms around me dissapates and I realize that you are still gone. In that second is where I want to stay because I am crushed when I realize you are still absent.
I try not to worry about the future, but when the present holds little and your heart aches, the future seems a better place to be. I try, every night as I sleep, to hit the "fast forward" button so that I awake with you near me once again. Will it ever happen? Will that day every come again? I pray for it will all my heart.
Speaking of rising. The alarm is slowly breaking my heart. Each night, I curl into bed and have torrid dreams of us together...nothing daunting or overly exciting...but they are dreams like we really live. Dreams where we hang out together on the couch and chat while tv plays in the background, or in the car holding hands...and then the alarm sounds with your voice and for the slightest second, I can feel your arms around me, whispering in my ear..."good morning baby, its time to get up." Then I hear the silence before it plays again and the feeling of your arms around me dissapates and I realize that you are still gone. In that second is where I want to stay because I am crushed when I realize you are still absent.
I try not to worry about the future, but when the present holds little and your heart aches, the future seems a better place to be. I try, every night as I sleep, to hit the "fast forward" button so that I awake with you near me once again. Will it ever happen? Will that day every come again? I pray for it will all my heart.
Day 3
So today marked the beginning of the work week for me...my first day back to the shop since you got underway. There was nothing harder than to put on the uniform and walk out the door. I wanted to through it into the ocean, burn it...I didn't care.
But I went. I made the day as short as possible and went to pick the ruggie up. She was excited to show me her newly loss tooth space in her mouth as well the world's smallest rubber horse that she got at the virginia living museum with her money from the Tooth Fairy. I wish we could all go back to being so innocent.
I made a comment about the possibility of you flying her next year to RI...needless to say, the response was less than cold...damn near frigid.
I just keep saying "one day at a time". So, I got home and played on the computer....random things from what was woot (sad, I don't remember) all the way to learning more about Cork Ireland. Guess eventhough it is far from you, it still reminds me and that, for now, is good enough
But I went. I made the day as short as possible and went to pick the ruggie up. She was excited to show me her newly loss tooth space in her mouth as well the world's smallest rubber horse that she got at the virginia living museum with her money from the Tooth Fairy. I wish we could all go back to being so innocent.
I made a comment about the possibility of you flying her next year to RI...needless to say, the response was less than cold...damn near frigid.
I just keep saying "one day at a time". So, I got home and played on the computer....random things from what was woot (sad, I don't remember) all the way to learning more about Cork Ireland. Guess eventhough it is far from you, it still reminds me and that, for now, is good enough
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Day 2
Today was filled with excitement, sadness, calmness, reality and so many other emotions mixed all together.
I got up early to sit at the computer and look at Facebook while enjoying a hot cup of maple coffee. It is weird sitting here drinking it since we bought it together....the hopes of making it on our morning with a scone to celebrate autumn before you left. I know we did not get that quiet moment together, but I hope you know that my mind never wondered from that thought I as sipped its warmth.
I also ventured across the river...ahh the tunnel. I am sure you don't miss it! I met Noel at Baker's crust and we just sat...for hours, eight exact, talking about everything from time to age to men and the Navy. It was a wonderful time, but my heart could do nothing but hurt for you. I know you are safe, that you love me...but the distance is excruitiating.
Then, I talked with mom. The conversation was filled with emotion and tears. All my worries, my fears spilled out to her. She may have her moments, but she reminded me that it is about one-day-at-a-time. She reminded me of patience. In these last few weeks since dad's surgery, she wakes up every morning with two thoughts...thank God he knew she was not ready to handle dad's departure and thank God that he gives her another day to love him.
That is my new goal. You are gone, you will be gone for what feels like an eternity...but when you read this next year, I want you to know that I am thankful that He gives me another day to love you.
I want to do that well.
I got up early to sit at the computer and look at Facebook while enjoying a hot cup of maple coffee. It is weird sitting here drinking it since we bought it together....the hopes of making it on our morning with a scone to celebrate autumn before you left. I know we did not get that quiet moment together, but I hope you know that my mind never wondered from that thought I as sipped its warmth.
I also ventured across the river...ahh the tunnel. I am sure you don't miss it! I met Noel at Baker's crust and we just sat...for hours, eight exact, talking about everything from time to age to men and the Navy. It was a wonderful time, but my heart could do nothing but hurt for you. I know you are safe, that you love me...but the distance is excruitiating.
Then, I talked with mom. The conversation was filled with emotion and tears. All my worries, my fears spilled out to her. She may have her moments, but she reminded me that it is about one-day-at-a-time. She reminded me of patience. In these last few weeks since dad's surgery, she wakes up every morning with two thoughts...thank God he knew she was not ready to handle dad's departure and thank God that he gives her another day to love him.
That is my new goal. You are gone, you will be gone for what feels like an eternity...but when you read this next year, I want you to know that I am thankful that He gives me another day to love you.
I want to do that well.
Day 1
The first day is down and it feels like an eternity before Adam comes back home to me. I stayed busy by changing curtains, scrubbing Claire's room down and rearranging her crazy stuffed animal collection to accomodate the newest addition...blue-o.
I also decided to get the study in order, minus the closet, to begin the transition of the house while you are gone. I got a red leather chair for your desk...I hope you love it.
I also decided to get the study in order, minus the closet, to begin the transition of the house while you are gone. I got a red leather chair for your desk...I hope you love it.
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